Group Therapy Sessions
by Beckoning.Disaster
Summary: The Joker thinks that group therapy is brilliantly fun, despite the others claims of it being the worst part of their villainy lives. Can they survive his randomness? UPDATED: Now with Good Guy Therapy! Beware of doughnuts.
1. ONE: Why Can't We Be Friends?

"Doctor Felicity Urchins overseeing patients of the "group therapy" session 108. Welcome, everyone, to your first group session together."

"Felicity Urchins?" The distinct voice of the Joker answered, giggling madly. "Do you know that your initials are 'F.U.'?"

Groans from some of the other inmates.

"Leave it to you, Joker," Two Face growled.

"Can you at least _attempt_ to lead a dignified conversation?" The Penguin asked snobbishly.

"You all leave Mistah Jay alone! He can't help it if you bozos don't understand _fine humor_," Harley quickly jumped to the defense of her man.

"I am quite aware, thank you, patient," Dr. Urchins said coolly. "How is everyone feeling today?"

"Horrible," Two Face said.

"Just dandy," said the Penguin.

"It is a little cold in here for my tastes," Scarecrow said casually.

"How are we supposed to feel?" Poison Ivy snapped sarcastically.

"I don't think it's cold in here," Harley said, smiling brightly.

"FEEEEELINGS!!" The Joker sung happily.

"Will you SHUT UP?" Catwoman hissed. "What the hell am I doing in here with these loons, anyways? I'm perfectly sane! I just have . . . er . . ."

"Issues?" Poison Ivy provided, rolling her eyes. "Join the club, sister."

"WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS, WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS?! . . ."

"Joker, can you SHUT THE HELL UP for just ONE DAMN MINUTE?" Catwoman shrieked.

"Is there some reason you don't enjoy the patient expressing himself?" Dr. Urchins asked.

"It would be different if he wasn't so damn irritating!" Catwoman exhaled angrily.

The Joker mouth 'Me?' dramatically, putting a hand to his mouth in mock surprise and horror.

"Don't you insult my puddin'!" Harley said threateningly.

"Don't you start on me!" Catwoman leaned forward in her chair aggressively.

"Back off, kitty," Poison Ivy intervened on her friends' behalf, snarling. "Your outnumbered, and there's no _bat_ to come and save you."

"Why you . . . !" Catwoman hissed, but Dr. Urchins put up a hand.

"Why don't you tell the patient, in your best, kindest words what seems to be the issue between you two," Dr. Urchins suggested.

"Oh, way to single me out, Doc," The Joker's lit up in gleeful anticipation, despite his pretend hurtful tone of voice.

Everyone seemed to take this as a cue to express their annoyance with the Joker.

"You are just too DAMN HAPPY!" Harvey Two-Face growled.

"You have a complete lack for personal space," Crane mused. "And no tact whatsoever."

"You make the worst jokes!" The Penguin shook his head, frowning. "At the most inappropriate times!"

"You are the most horrible, vile creature to ever walk this planet," Catwoman sneered.

"I LOVE YOU MISTAH JAY!" Harley suddenly launched herself at her surprised lover and kissed him fully on the lips.

Poison Ivy laughed as the guards came forward and yanked her away from the Joker. She was blushing and her eyes were bright with delight. The Joker shook in silent laughter, a real feat for him, since he very rarely quietly laughed. He patted Harley's thigh and winked at her, though no one else noticed.

"Do you have any ideas on how the patient could improve?" Dr. Urchins asked patiently.

"Yeah, he could drop dead," Catwoman said viciously.

"Heavy medication might be a great idea," The Penguin said.

"He just needs more love," Harley said sympathetically, making patterns on the Joker's chest with her index finger. He smirked, putting an arm around her. The guards hesitated, wondering if they should break the two apart or not.

"May I suggest deoderant and a toothbrush?" Poison Ivy said dryly.

"What is your reaction to all of this, patient?" Dr. Urchins asked the Joker kindly.

"Don't you know us all well enough by now to call us by our, uh, _names_, Doc?" The Joker winked flirtatiously and Harley frowned.

"Not yet, patient," Dr. Urchins said, smiling slightly. "Do I need to repeat the question?"

The Joker pretended to think about it for a long time. "Well, I feel bad for them, of course."

Catwoman's jaw dropped open. Crane made a mental note -- _Joker can feel a tinge of empathy_ -- and Ivy looked bored. "What are you trying to say, Joker?" Penguin asked.

"Why, you're all jealous, of course!" The Joker laughed easily. "My superior skills and ranking with the giant Bat spark your envy! Understandable, of course. I mean, on top of that, I am devilishly good looking and have the best personality. What's not to be jealous of?"

Jonathan Crane quickly scratched out his mental note and Two-Face's hand clenched into a fist.

There was silence for a moment.

"I hate you," Catwoman hissed.

"You're not helping your case any, kitters," The Joker blew her a kiss. "Send that to Batsy, will you? I know he comes to visit you, and sometimes I see him with tears in his eyes, wishing, just _wishing_, that you and he could be together . . . _forever _. . ."

"You dirty liar!" Catwoman shrieked in rage. "You... you... you _freak_!"

Harley gasped and the Joker raised an eyebrow. "Freak?" He repeated, his voice no longer humorous and the ambiance of the room suddenly growing ice cold. "Frea_k_?"

Dr. Urchins sensed danger, and she quickly tried to wrap up the session. "Great work, everyone. I hope to see you all next week. You are dismissed."

Two Face, Scarecrow, Ivy, and the Penguin made a run for it, not wanting to get caught in a Joker fight. They knew he had still had a few knives hidden on him. Catwoman sniffed and went over to her guard, but the Joker quickly caught up to her.

"Next time you see Bats," He said lowly so that only she could here. "Give him this for me, will ya'? I colored it in art time just for him." He slipped a piece of paper into her hand, smiling horribly and letting Harley lead him out of the room by his hand. The pair were accompanied by five guards.

Catwoman looked down at the paper in her hands and slowly unfolded it. She flinched back in disgust upon seeing it, her nose crinkling and her eyes dilating slightly in horror.

On the paper was a crude picture of her in her suit, bloody and battered, with many knives sticking out of her and a pool of blood around her. On the bottom of the paper, in large, red letters, there was the sentence: 'I DO NOT SHARE'.

Catwoman crumpled up the paper in her fist and reluctantly let the guard take her away.

She really hated group therapy sessions.

* * *

This is complete and utter randomness. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Oops. Maybe I should have put that first? Oh well!

Thanks for reading! Leave a review, if you don't mind.

**Disclaimer:** _I own nothing!_


	2. TWO: Nobody Likes The Riddler

"This is Dr. Felix Art overseeing patients of the group therapy session 109. How is everyone today?"

Silence. Crickets could be heard in the background.

"Well . . . that's good."

A manic cackle was suddenly heard. "Okay, this is just too good to be true . . . do you know that your first initial and your last name makes 'fart'?"

Groans.

"Oh, that's just wrong, Joker," grumbled the Penguin.

"Only you could be so crude," commented Crane, who shook his head sadly.

Dr. Art shifted in his seat awkwardly, his thoughts going back to his days in elementary school when the children used to call him various fart-related names. "Yes, I was aware, patient."

Joker shrugged carelessly, a smirk adorning his marred face. "It's not _my_ fault they keep sending in stupid doctors with stupid names."

Poison Ivy groaned, her head falling into her open palms. "This is my least favorite day of the month."

"Worse than the day you start you start your 'special woman time'?" The Joker asked with mock sympathy.

"Shut it, clown."

"I don't know why you people wonder why doctors at Arkham seem to have a higher mortality rate then people who enjoy skydiving without a parachute," Crane crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair haughtily. "It's because you force us to interact with each other, feed us food that could barely be called such, and let people like him," Crane pointed at the Joker, who made himself seem taken aback. "Come in contact with people like me! This place is a madhouse! Why, when I used to run this place..."

"Oh, stick it up your arse, Crane," Two Face grumbled.

"Riddle me this, riddle me that," The Riddler suddenly piped up. "Who's afraid of the --" At this point, he was suddenly cut short as a fist collided with his temple and knocked him into unconsciousness. A round of applause suddenly burst through the group as Two Face stood up and took a quick bow.

Nobody liked the Riddler.

"Outstanding, Harvey," the Joker said as guards suddenly rushed forth to handcuff Two Face to his stationary chair and take away the Riddler. "I would have done it quicker, but you can see . . ." He trailed off, smiling patronizingly and gestured down to Harley, who had her head in his lap as she read a copy of Twilight disguised as An Idiot's Guide to Sanity.

Harley looked away from her book to gaze lovingly up at the Joker. "Were you sayin' something puddin'?" She asked, fluttering her eyelashes almost subconsciously.

"No," He said shortly, so she simply smiled adoringly up at him and went back to her book.

"Now, calm down everyone," Dr. Art said, plastering a forced smile on his face. "This is group therapy; we're here to talk about our feelings."

"We are talking about our feelings," Two Face pointed out. "We all hate each other."

"True that," The Joker said, nodding.

"Pretty much," agreed Ivy dryly.

"Will someone please wake up Catwoman?" The Penguin abruptly blurted out. "Her purring is distracting me."

Catwoman was curled up in the corner next to the heat vent, taking (what else?) a cat nap. The Joker saw this as a great opportunity and swiftly began to rub his forefinger back and forth across the fabric of his orange suit for friction. Leaning over quickly, ignoring Harley's protests as her head was abruptly shoved off of his lap, he jabbed his finger into Catwoman's side.

The shriek she emitted could be heard throughout Gotham to the very top of Wayne Tower.

All of the other villains started to laugh uncontrollably as Catwoman was jarred out of her sleep by a electric shock via the Joker. She started to let out a stream of foul words and glared murderously at the clown. "One day . . ." She shook her fist at him menacingly.

It took awhile for all of them to sustain their giggles, but when they finally stopped Catwoman was still glowering. "I hate you all," She said simply, making the supervillains laugh some more.

Supervillains are not the most pleasant of people. If you haven't noticed.

Harley put her head back into the Joker's lap and Catwoman reluctantly settled herself into the Riddler's former chair. "Shall we move on?" Dr. Art asked patiently.

"To what?" The Penguin shot the doctor a deadpan look. "What is there really to discuss amongst us supercriminals? The weather?"

"Well, we could play a game, of sorts," Dr. Art suggested. "How about we go around to each person and we all give that person words that we feel describe him or her. Why don't we start on... oh, well, we could start with me."

They all stared at him. Even Harley stopped reading the detail's of Edward Cullen's sparkly chest to look increduously at him, and trust me, it was pretty hard for her to do so.

"Poser," Scarecrow piped up quickly.

"Fluke," Two Face volunteered.

"Failure," Poison Ivy said disdainfully.

"Degenerate," said Catwoman.

"Fartface." The Joker commented readily.

Dr. Art cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yes... well... thank you. Moving on to Harley Quinn?"

"Delusional," said Ivy with a smirk.

"Idiotic," Catwoman purred.

"Hot," Two Face grinned cheekily.

"Hot," agreed the Penguin.

"Hot," Crane said, just for the heck of it.

"Hey!" The Joker barked as Harley giggled, blushing. Her adorable laughs were quickly cut off as the Joker shoved his hands into her face. "I guess I can't let anyone else look at you now. Pity," He drawled as she struggled underneath him.

"Puddin'!" She protested before the guards abruptly came over to drag them away from each other. Joker gave them an innocent 'What?' glare as Harley was forced to sit across the room from him. The other villains laughed. Because, as I mentioned before, they are not the most pleasant of people and enjoy laughing at others.

"Maybe that wasn't the best of ideas," Dr. Art admitted. "Why don't we wrap up this session, unless there's something else we want to discuss?"

They all looked at him blankly.

The Joker impulsively reached out and shoved Catwoman off of her chair, making her hiss as she hit the floor. Snarling, she swiftly jumped back up and lunged at the clown to attempt to claw his heart out, making most of the other supervillains come together to collect bets. Before the guards could reach them, the Joker got a good grip around her throat and fell to the ground, chuckling maniacally as he started to bash her head repeatedly against the floor. The guards wrestled them apart with difficulty and Dr. Art just stood there behind them, his mouth opening and closing like a mute fish.

"Go puddin'!" Harley cheered as the Joker and Catwoman were carted away amidst the begrudging and appreciative applause of the other villains. The Joker grinned and blew kisses to the others as he was led out, while Catwoman struggled madly against her guards, yelling out curse words at the top of her lungs pertaining to the Joker's sexuality and the sexual decency of his mother.

"Uh, the patients of this session are excused," Dr. Art stuttered out, but everyone ignored him, passing him by quickly as they left their hated group therapy session.

Batman slowly and dramatically turned away from the security tape footage. He had been watching the entire session, because he stalked his enemies in his spare time. He wiped a stray tear from his eye when thinking about Catwoman and secretly wished that they could be together forever.

"Commissioner Gordon," Batman addressed the man standing next to him. "Do you ever wonder if we, the good guys, could ever use group therapy?"

Gordon glanced over at his companion, taking in his body suit and bat-shaped mask. "All the time," he said, nodding and wondering why he was even there. "_All the time_."

* * *

Yay for randomness!

I just want to say, thank you all for reading, and I hope you'll leave a review on your way out! And, off the record, I think Harley's on Team Edward.

**Disclaimer:** _I own nothing but my own insanity!_


	3. THREE: Good Guy Therapy

"This is Dr. Noah Zhee overseeing voluntary hero group therapy session one. Welcome, everyone."

"Er . . . I'm not really sure if I should be here," Gordon said uncomfortably, looking around the room and feeling out of place. Batman invited him . . . no, insisted that he . . . Well, honestly, Batman had picked him up and flat out _told_ him he was going to therapy. Gordon had just assumed Batman wanted some type of couples or family counseling, depending on what floats your boat.

Gordon wasn't quite counting on nearly all of the Justice League and Robin, as well.

"Of course you should, Commissioner," Batman said, glaring at Gordon darkly.

"Listen, Bats, can we speed this thing up?" Superman looked rather disinterested in the session, as did most of his colleagues. "I think Australia's being attacked by Doomsday as we speak and I probably should be all over that right about now."

"Yeah, and I've got a Hades-trying-to-destroy-my-home-and-kidnap-my-mother-because-apparently-he's-my-father-and-my-mom-has-really-bad-taste-and-is-kind-of-a-bitch-but-I-love-and-protect-her-anyways-for-some-reason-even-though-she-totally-disowned-me-and-I-FREAKING-HATE-HER-but-I'm-Wonder-Woman-and-am-better-than-that-PWN appointment in twenty minutes," Wonder Woman said in one long breath.

"And I want Starbucks!" The Flash piped in, convinced that he did not sound whiny whatsoever. "The one in Indonesia by that doughnut place that gives me extra glazedness closes in like five minutes!"

Gordon kindly handed Wally one of his extra doughnuts while Batman sulked. "I thought it was a good idea," he rasped. "Considering we all have issues. Lots and lots of issues."

"I don't have issues," Hawkgirl said, raising an eyebrow at Wally as he scarfed down the doughnut.

"Yes, you do," Green Lantern said pointedly.

"Please, everyone, shut up," Dr. Zhee said nicely, secretly relieved that none of them has made fun of his name. He was so used to the patients calling him Dr. Nosey that he was on six different types of medication to deal with his personal turmoil. "Batman is right. You all have a lot of issues. So let's start talking about them."

The room was silent.

"All of my family died and now I'm stuck with an OCD billionaire who drags me around places to beat up bad guys," Robin suddenly said, his bottom lip quivering. "I always wanted to start a puppy adoption agency, but _no_ . . . I have to be a superhero!"

"My entire planet exploded and I suffer from intense depression because I just can't seem to save the world enough," Superman sniffled. "Oh, and my salary sucks."

"I could go on all day about my issues," growled the Batman. "We really just don't have that kind of time."

"I'm too perfect!" Wonder Woman abruptly burst into tears and placed her head on top of an uncomfortable Batman's shoulder. He awkwardly patted her head as she sobbed.

"I'm a bitch!" Hawkgirl wailed. "And my skills can't even compare to Wonder Woman's skillz!"

"I'm unimaginative!" Green Lantern snivelled.

"I'm amazing and incredible in every way, shape, and form!" The Flash placed his head into his hands and openly began to cry.

"Maybe I should just . . . go . . ." Gordon said, wondering what the hell was wrong with these people.

All of the superheroes fell off of their chairs and into the middle of the floor, where they all huddled together and cried on each others shoulders. Even the unwilling Batman stiffly comforted Wonder Woman even as she pulled him to the ground with the rest of them.

Dr. Zhee was at a loss for words, especially when witnessing Superman blowing his nose on his own cape. He was astounded by their actions and was immensely grateful the session was being taped so that he could dissect each individuals' behavior at a later time.

Suddenly, a window appeared in the room and Batgirl came zipping in. "Hey, sorry I'm late and - er . . . is everything alright?" She gazed down upon the group on the floor with discern.

"We were just in the middle of therapy," Gordon said helpfully.

"Oh, thanks, Dad," Batgirl suddenly realized her error. "Um, I mean -!"

"I'm sorry, Batgirl," Gordon smiled. "I have temporarily gone deaf in both ears and did not hear a word you just said."

Batgirl let out a sigh of relief before realizing that Robin had randomly attached himself to her leg and was sobbing into her knee. "Get a grip, Robin," she muttered, shaking him off.

"Now, group, while it is wonderful that you are so comfortable releasing your feelings, let us get a grip on ourselves, shall we?" Dr. Zhee tried to regain control unsuccessfully, for the superheroes ignored him and instead grouped even more tightly into a huge ball of superheroness.

"Can't . . . breathe . . ." Batman tried in vain to escape from the awkward situation, but Wonder Woman had a death grip around his neck and Superman was now using Batman's cape to wipe his tears. Hawkgirl and Green Lantern were locked in an awkward embrace and the Flash was curled up into a protective ball. After Batgirl had kicked him off, Robin had been flat on the floor, crying like a small child.

The three sane individuals in the room sat quietly as they waited for the heroes to get a grip on themselves and silently sympathized with the drowning Batman, though not enough to help him. I mean, it _was_ Batman's fault in the first place that they were all there.

"Okay, this has gone far enough!" Batgirl said suddenly and all of the room suddenly looked at her attentively. "I'm going to place you all into the therapy I think you need today, because group therapy is _really_ not working for you guys right now." She placed one finger on her lips and examined the bunch. "Okay, Wonder Woman and Batman: couples therapy. You too, Green Lantern and Hawkgirl. Flash and Superman . . . er, best friends counseling? Robin, Dad, and I (oh, I mean Commissioner Gordon. None of you heard that!) will have our own therapy dealing with our various Bat-related issues. Everyone clear?" They nodded. "Now go!"

As the superheroes all went their different directions, Dr. Zhee wondered if he would still get paid for group therapy. He was trying to save up for his own bunny farm.

And he did so much love his bunnies.

Several hours later, Batgirl, Robin, and Gordon came out of their group therapy session looking rather relaxed. "Nice call there, Batgirl," Gordon said. "I feel much better just getting our core issues out of the way."

"Like the fact that Alicia Silverstone played me in that horrible movie," Batgirl shook her head sadly. "She wasn't even a redhead! WHAT THE HELL?"

Robin was sucking on his thumb and silently nodded in agreement with his companions. Batgirl suddenly smiled and put her arm around Robin. "And I won't forget my promise to get you some puppies when we get back, Robin."

Robin clapped his hands together, jumping up and down and giggling. Gordon twitched subconsciously.

"Should we go check on everyone else?" Batgirl suggested. Robin nodded enthusiastically, sticking his thumb back into his mouth, and Gordon reluctantly agreed.

They stopped by Green Lantern and Hawkgirl's room first. Peering in, they saw the two bickering violently as their psychiatrist cowered in a corner.

"Uh . . . let's come back to them later," Batgirl suggested.

"That sounds like a good idea," Gordon said quickly, watching awkwardly as the pair suddenly launched themselves at each other and aggressively locked lips. Robin watched in amazement, his smiling mouth dropped wide open. "C'mon, kid," Gordon said gruffly, hauling Robin away by the scruff of his uniform. Poor Robin looked very put out.

They stopped by Wonder Woman and Batman's room next, but to their surprise, the two superheroes were just on their way out. Wonder Woman was beaming and Batman looked slightly less sullen as usual.

"Hello, there, little bat children and old bat buddy," Wonder Woman said with a perfect Wonder Woman smile when they saw each other. "How did your counseling go?"

"I resent being called a child, but good," Batgirl said.

"I resent being called old, but since it's true . . ." Gordon trailed off, lost in thought. Just how old _was_ he?

Robin suddenly went up to Batman and kicked him in the shin. This did not faze Batman whatsoever. "_That_ was for giving me a seven-o-clock bed time."

Batman just looked down at him dispassionately. "Where did that come from?"

"The nice lady told me to express my feelings," Robin shrugged, sticking his thumb back in his mouth. Gordon twitched again.

Batgirl noticed something strange. "Are you two holding hands?"

"Um -" Batman tried to quickly pull out of the Amazon's embrace, but she held on rather blissfully.

"What are you doing with _her_?" came a sudden shriek, and everyone whipped around to see Catwoman being transported between cells, though she was currently struggling against two very strong guards, her eyes bulged out at the sight of Batman and Wonder Woman together.

"Um - um -" Batman was nearly dislocating his arm as he tried to release Wonder Woman's hand, though she just held on tighter, nearly cutting off his circulation.

"He loves me!" Wonder Woman shouted back, though still with a perfect Wonder Woman smile.

"Um - um - um -" Batman attempted to grasp at anything near enough to him to attempt to pull away from his companion. Gordon, Batgirl, and Robin all began to back away slowly from the scene.

"You wish, you hippie cowgirl half-naked Queen of the Wannabes!"

"Who are you calling half-naked?"

"Help . . . me . . ." Batman rasped desperately, reaching out for the trio, who wisely turned around and fled, hearing loud insults from behind them as they ran for their lives.

"I bet your boobs aren't even real!"

"Right, like a_ whip _is really subtle -!"

"Batman is so stupid," Batgirl said as soon as they got out of range. Her companions nodded, and Robin stuck his thumb back into his mouth. Gordon had to contain himself from not bashing his head into the nearest wall.

"I guess we should go check on Superman and Flash," said Batgirl, but when they went to their therapy room, the pair wasn't there. Deciding that they didn't care very much, the trio went into the break room, where coffee awaited all of them. Except for Robin. Do I really need to explain why?

Upon not finding Superman and the Flash, the three decided to go steal some doughnuts from the lounge room before heading home. Much to their surprise . . .

"Hey Bat people! What's hangin'?" The Flash waved at them quickly, his hand a blur.

Batgirl groaned. "Seriously? You guys had to eat_ all_ the doughnuts already?"

Superman shrugged. "We're growing boys, you know."

Batgirl shot Superman a suspicious look. "No, you aren't. You're, like, forty years old."

"Hey! I resent that. I'm thirty-nine."

"Whatever."

Robin started crying, wishing he had a doughnut. Everyone just ignored him.

"Well, I guess I'll just be heading home now," said Gordon, ready to forget this day ever happened.

"Okay, see you at home, Dad! Er, I mean -"

"Bye, Mr. G!" Flash said over Batgirl.

"See ya', Gordon," said Superman, nodding amicably.

Robin waved and giggled. Gordon briefly convulsed.

As he walked out of Arkham Asylum, he thought deeply about early retirement.

* * *

Aw, poor Gordon . . . Surrounded by freaks. I get that. Kind of. Actually, I'm usually considered to be one of those freaks . . . Er . . . Moving on . . .

Anyways, thanks for stopping by! I hope I made you giggle. :)

Don't forget to leave a review on your way out! Or I might just sic Robin on you . . . And trust me, you don't want that happening.

XOXO!

**Disclaimer:** _I don't want to own these guys. Seriously. Take them._


End file.
